The Holy Grail
by Evowizard25
Summary: A parody of the Monty Python and the Holy Grail!
1. Chapter 1

Varian pretended to ride through the land. Behind him trailed a small, green, one eyed monster. He was carrying his supplies and banging two coconuts together to mimic horse beats. Varian was looking at the map. "Are you sure we aren't lost?" He asked his supposed stead.

"No, sir." Mike said. He was the green, one eyed, monster. "We plotted out the course before we left Camelot. There should be a castle nearby."

"But we should have come across it a couple of hours ago." Varian said, with his face buried in the map.

"Well sir, time is never a question." Mike said. "You did take that time to rant and rave about the orcs along the way."

"They deserved it." Varian said. "You know, trouncing around being all orcy. They could all die for all I care." He flipped the map from side to side, to see it at a different angle. "Now, we must be getting near it."

"Uhh, sir." Mike started.

"We must be getting close." Varian said.

"Uhh, sir." Mike said.

Varian started to crumble up the map. "This map is useless." He said, before throwing it away. He went on his knees and cupped his face. "We're never going to find this fort. If I can't even find a stinking fort, how am I supposed to find the grail?"

"Uhh, sir." Mike said, while pulling on his shirt. "You should see this."

Varian turned around and glared at him. Mike jumped back in fright. "What? What is so important?" Mike pointed in front of him. Varian turned around to look at a large fort. He smiled and jumped up. "You see, I knew the map would work. I'm a superb tracker." Mike rolled his eye. "Hello." Varian called up. "Is anyone there?"

"Who wants to know?" A potato head man said.

"I am Varian, King of the Brits." Varian said.

"Well, good for you." Mr. Potato head said. "But where did you get the coconuts?"

"Coconuts?" Varian said, a little drawn back by the unexpected question.

"Yeah, the coconuts." Mr. Potato Head said. "Where'd you get them?"

Varian looked at Mike, who shrugged. He turned back around. "We just found them." He said.

"Found them." Mr. Potato Head said. "How'd you just find them? Coconuts are a tropical fruit. They are not indigenous to Britain."

"I do not see how it is important how I found the coconuts." Varian said. "I just want to know if you have a king or lord who would accompany me to Camelot and join as a member of the round table."

"Hey, Hamm, get over here." Mr. Potato Head called back.

"What is it?" A large pig came up to say.

"These guys have some coconuts." Mr. Potato Head said.

"Coconuts, eh." Hamm said. "Probably sparrows."

"I would like to talk to your lord." Varian called up.

"How do you think it was sparrows?" Mr. Potato Head said.

"You see," Hamm started. "European sparrows are migratory. It is possible that one brought a coconut up here."

Mr. Potato Head said. "True, but you forget something. European sparrows are too small to pick up a coconut. It could have been an African sparrow."

"Hey, are you guys listening to me." Varian called up, while waving his arms.

"No." Hamm said, shaking his head. "African sparrows are not migratory."

"Ah, forget them." Varian said. He started walking away. "Come on Mike, we'll just have to find someone else." Mike started after him.

"It could have been two European sparrows on a rope." Mr. Potato Head said as the king walked out of earshot.


	2. Chapter 2

Varian and Mike continued to walk through the forest. They stopped in the middle of the forest, when the king came to a highly educated guess at the situation, to which he worded in a uniquely regal manor. "We're lost." He yelled.

"Well we wouldn't be if someone didn't throw away the map." Mike growled. "Oh, I wonder who that was."

Varian turned to look at Mike. He gripped the handle of the sword. "Say another word and it will be the last one you ever say." Mike gulped. Just then, they heard some time of scuffle nearby. They walked towards it. They came across a small stream, with an equally small bridge leading over it. There, in the middle of the clearing were two men sparing. One was a knight, adorned in red armor. The other wore black leather clothes. He was quite tall and menacing. He was wearing black sunglasses. The red knight took a swing at the man, who easily blocked it. The red knight then swung from the side of the man, forcing him to jump back. The knight then raised his sword and gave out a yell. The man threw his sword, piercing into the knight's visor. The man then went over and took the sword. Varian clapped. "Good work sir knight. You are indeed a formidable force. Would be so kind as to join my round table." The man remained silent. "Do you hear me? I am asking you a question." The man remained silent. Varian grew irritated with the man. "Very well then. If you will not join me we will be off, but don't come crying to me for favors." Varian took a step forward.

"None shall pass." The man said, in his deep voice.

"What." Varian said. "I am Varian, king of the Brits, I am not told what to do. Now move aside."

"Then you will die." The man said.

Mike went in front of the king. "Let me handle this." He walked up to the man. "Well, I see we have come to a mutual misunderstanding." He pulled out a gold piece. "Why don't we just make this whole thing disappear?" The man pulled out a strange weapon and shot the coin out of his hands. Mike looked at his empty hand and back to the weapon. "Or maybe not." Mike hurried behind the king.

"Wait, that's a pistol." Varian said, pointing to the weapon. "You can't get pistols. This is the Middle Ages you idiot. Didn't you read the script?"

"I am a Terminator, sent from the future." The Terminator said. "Your rules are obsolete."

Mike pulled out the movie rule book. He flipped a few pages, until he came to the one he needed. "You can't do that. It says right here, no one is above the rules." The Terminator shot the book out from his hands.

"Oh, so you're a rule breaker, huh." Varian said, pulling out his swords. "No one breaks the rules in my kingdom." He shrugged. "Well, maybe the rules of cruelty to those you govern, but not those of the movie. That's just sick." He regained his posture and charged at the Terminator. The Terminator blocked the first few blows with its sword, before Varian cut off his right arm. "Ah, ha, I have bested you."

"It's only a scratch." The Terminator said. "I've had worse."

"A scratch." Varian said. "I cut off your bloody arm." Varian paused for a moment. "Okay. Not bleeding exactly, as you are a robot, but still." The Terminator swung at him. Varian easily blocked and took off his other arm. "Now, you are really bested."

"I can kick you to death." The Terminator said. He tried to kick him. "Come on."

Varian sighed and then cut off his leg. "Are you done?" He said afterwards.

The Terminator continued to hop. "I was sent from the future to destroy all life. This is only a minor setback."

"Okay, this is just ridiculous." Varian said. He cut off the Terminator's other leg. He started to walk away, when the Terminator came and bit him in the leg. "You just bit me." Varian said, pulling his legs away from the Terminator.

"I am the Terminator." The robot said. "No human can best me."

"Oh, shut up." Varian said, before cutting off the Terminator's head. Varian paused for a moment, looking about. He coughed. "I found that rather strange, don't you?"

Mike nodded. "Yes, rather strange." The two continued off.


End file.
